If you have been traumatized and deal with consequences from that, how can you show up authentically in the world? Despite the fears you have, the psychological defenses you use against these fears? How can you maintain being YOU?

Today I had two appointments. One for a business network meeting, and one for a screening at the hospital.

The business meeting had a change of rooms today, which meant we were going to be really crammed, with very little space and the probability for bumping into somebody, or being bumped into were high. It meant an all-over higher degree of closeness. This is something I have a hard time coping with, so I announced to the leaders of the meeting that I would take part in the meeting, standing in the doorway. I assured them I was perfectly fine with that, during my business presentation I also brought it up. I did not explain why, just told them this was hard, but that this solution worked fine for me, and that I was okay being me, in this situation.

(From an” expert…” on dissociation – from the lived “inside” perspective – a VERY short introduction)

There are multiple ways of dissociating. You can dissociate from your body, from your mind, from your emotions/feelings, from your memories, from the environment, from time, from parts of yourself (ego states/identity) – from one of these, from several – in different combinations – or from all of them – at once and for shorter or longer periods of time… And the process of dissociation can be all from completely unknown to you – to completely known. It can be a seemingly 100 % involuntary action to dissociate and a 100 % deliberate action – and everything in between.

Dissociation is the opposite of association. You dissociate to keep things, events, situations in your life apart. Because kept together they would overwhelm you. Everybody dissociates. Maybe you daydream, procrastinate, plan your dream vacation, play computer games, shop yourself happy. Everything you do to keep yourself away from your current state – inside – or outside – of you – is dissociation, but the focus is on the inside – the outside situation is often just a reflection of your inside situation. Dissociation is you – hiding from – you.

The ghost in the room

I have lived with trauma by my side my whole life. She eats with me, sleeps with me, walks by my side, travels with me, meets people with me, sees films and reads books with me, is involved in all my relationships and all my activities – as an ever present ghost from the past.

All my life I have tried to ignore her, or more violently, to remove her. I have tried to out-run her, starve her, hide her, forget her – but since she is a ghost none of these strategies affects her, she stays. She has stayed, patiently, by my side. Waited for me to acknowledge her. She has also protected me from my own pain, and my responsibility, my obligation to make decisions and choices for myself. Sometimes she has taken over and lived my life for me, spoken and acted through me.