… and if I make solid choices based on internal listening – I am reversing dissociation and mending the gap between my biology and psychology!

Haha… I learn so much from experiential experimentation.

Yesterday I drove 1038 km (according to google maps) – from northern Alsace (France) to southern Sweden.

It took me approximately 14,5 hours – with breaks, traffic jams and a ferry trip of 45 minutes.

I triumphantly arrived at my destination – telling myself – I am a fucking brilliant driver and navigator!

And I felt that compliment – to myself! I took it in – and can see the truth in it – not only when it comes to actual driving and navigating Europe – but when applied as a life skill and to my own inner life.

I am fucking brilliant at being the driver in my own life and navigate life choices. I find my ways. At times I end up on small detours and get stuck in traffic jams (that I am not creating), but all in all – I get where I am heading towards. I sometimes re-schedule my destinations – but I get where I have put my literal and figurative google maps on to take me to.

And I give myself the opportunity to stop, to take care of my needs. To savor and enjoy places (when that is what I want).

All this I am doing while also being very sensitive. Which can be an incredible strength, but also a weakness if I let myself be governed by what is around me, if I let myself become overwhelmed, but not monitoring myself and being aware of my own needs and wants.

So when my brain had been bombarded with information for a couple of hours, by all the details that come at me while driving – that my brain is processing and making choices around – I needed to let my brain rest. So, I pulled over, found some shade, reclined in the driver’s seat – and closed my eyes.

It is similar to a powernap, I am not sleeping, but I am reducing incoming information. After 20 minutes or so – my brain has rested, and I am refreshed and can go on for a while longer. Also getting out of the car and moving around in certain ways – to help my body but also my brain to release some pent up energy. And so on – I do some other stuff as well. This is part of the pacing. To not go on when I am in “over-drive” – to stop when my body and brains tells me to. To give space for some rest and energizing practices. To really listen to myself and do what I need to do, for me. Not pushing myself beyond my own limits, especially not without reflecting on it (I do go beyond my limits very often – which is okay – but then I need to compensate for that and to give space and time to process what came out of it).

I am super tired today. Which is expected. So I am resting, going slow and doing some processing and thinking. Some stretching of sore muscles and joints. Wich applies to my mind as well… To me – biology and psychology are so intertwined – a need to stretch – is felt – to all of me, on all levels.

But I am also celebrating – not the accomplishment so much per se – but the knowledge it brings.

My plan was to drive as far as I could – and then stop. And if needed – stay over somewhere. I did not think I would make I the whole way. Driving on my own, navigating – I have found hard to do. And then I just did it. All the way. And it isn’t “all the way” so much that makes me celebrate – it was not a contest or something I needed to prove, it was the pacing, the making sure I took care of myself while doing it. But yeah… it also shows me I am still persistent as fuck… and very stubborn.

I did drive from Rome to southern Germany the week before and then I did stop and spend a night in Switzerland. Good choices both. It is about listening to myself – and challenging myself appropriately. And what that is – only I can know for myself. What is a challenge to me – might not be to you – and the other way around.

Learning to listen to myself, as well as challenge myself – is such a great learning to me. Doing what is hard for me is also very rewarding to me. I grow immensely from it. And these days – I really feel I own my own growth and learning. I decide when to push myself and when to rest. And this makes all the difference.

By the way…. All of this, the doing, reflecting, processing, integrating – is a way for me to mend the gap I once needed to have between my biology and psychology. A gap I no longer want and need to be there – in an unconscious way – if I want it sometimes – I want to choose it.

And I now feel even more sure of where I am heading with all the resources, knowledge, and experiences I have gathered in the last more than 10 years. Wow. A huge thing.

Text and pictures are copyright protected © Katarina Felicia (Ally.) Lundgren, 2023


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Wednesday, 19 June 2024