I am learning – again – by doing – and exposing myself to an avalanche of nos. And by doing so – I am learning that all those nos have nothing to do with me. And everything to do with the ones giving them.

The non-attachment to outcomes gives me the freedom to re-think and find other ways. To avoid engaging in ideas and plans that will never be, no matter how enthusiastic I first am about them. If there are solid nos – I am letting go. As gracefully as I can.

Every no is valid. And the thing is – if that is what comes to people when I suggest things, a solid no – then I do not want to engage in whatever it was I had ideas, suggestions, perhaps even plans around. I am all for mutuality and reciprocity.

(I am an artist! - And I have something to "say"!)

When I grew up, I did really love my mother, though she did not love me back. She just did not have the capacity. She constantly abandoned me, belittled me, told me what was wrong with me and how I was supposed to be. She abused me, neglected me, scolded me – and once in a blue moon she would do something that on the surface looked kind, but would turn out to be much more for her than for me.

At the age of 5 I made a conscious decision to no longer beg for her love, as in seeking her out. I did keep on a couple of years to try to make her see me favorably, but it did not work.  A bit older, as an early teenager – my love turned into hate. I hated her with all that I had. Because it was always about her – and never about me. With that hate – I became the problematic one. I learned fast that describing my parents to anyone outside (which I tried to do to the child psychiatric hospital (at 13) I ended up in due to me starving myself, not taking care of my appearance etc, slowly shutting down) – was to no avail. It really felt like screaming (even if I was quiet, even mute quite often) – straight out into space. Or straight into a wall – there were really no one there to hear it.

My autistic perspective.

Word! This is what people sometimes write in a comment – or exclaims when they feel someone said something they deeply resonate or agree with.

I thought a lot about the difference between words and meaning.

How I often used the metaphor of me coming into a room where they speak Korean (because I don’t understand a word of Korean – which is why I picked this language for my metaphor) – and I am assumed to understand and speak it. I used this metaphor to try to catch the essence of how I often feel in conversations with people.

Or is there something wrong with me? Or am I just being this particular and unique version of being a human? I don’t know. I simply don’t know.

I have been thinking a lot lately on how neurodivergence describes or do not describe my struggles in life. I have been told all my problems are due to trauma. And maybe that is so. But what I see is me having the same kind of problems that many neurodivergent people describe they have. With e.g. ADHD, ADD and being on the autism spectrum.

I don’t have any kind of neurodivergent diagnose, and I am not asking for it either. I am just trying to understand how I can be I the world. Help myself. Help others understand where and with what I struggle.

I am a mindfulness instructor – and am currently taking an advanced training in Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness (TSM) with David Treleaven (https://davidtreleaven.com/). I took his basic course during the fall. They are great courses!

I am also a person with severe trauma and I can be highly dissociative (although I am getting to be more and more in charge of my dissociation than the other way around – If you are interested in my thoughts on dissociation and trauma, there is plenty to read in my blog at http://livethechange.se/).

Taking this course simultaneously as the Coronavirus is affecting us all on a global scale – is interesting. It becomes even more interesting for me since I have managed to time huge life transitions to this time period too… Very little is certain in my life, this did not start now – but has been a process. But the resolution of the process is happening right now.